Hello my loves,

This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. In reality, there was nothing different about today than yesterday, but boy was I in a foul mood. A mood so confused and snarly and unpleasant that I couldn’t make head or tail of it. I just felt terrible, and I didn’t know why. As the morning progressed, so did my suffering. A bajillion thoughts swirled spitefully inside me, poking their cruel needles into all my vulnerable cracks. It really wasn’t nice, and by 7.30am I was exhausted. I sat down to meditate, and at that moment I remembered. When I feel this bad for no obvious reason, it’s not me who’s running the show. It’s another Rachel, an inner Rachel from some past emotional dynamic. That Rachel has been triggered by something, and she goddam well wants me to know about it. And she will stamp her feet and shake her fists and shout at me as loudly as she has to, until she feels she’s been heard.

This emotional framework is generally referred to as the inner child. If you’re not familiar with it, the basic premise is that you hold lots of different versions of yourself within your emotional reality. There could be a two-year-old you, a ten year-old-you, a teenage you. All the you's from all the points in your life where, for whatever reason, you’ve felt anguish or trauma. When something happens to present-day you that feels similar to the emotional wound experienced by, say, four-year-old you, four-year-old you has a big old internal tantrum. They let loose within, writhing and shouting and screaming, which basically means that present-day you feels awful, but often doesn’t know why.

And so it was with me this morning. I felt awful, and I didn’t know why. And when that happens, once I’ve gathered the wherewithal to realise what’s going on, I know that for me, the answer is turning inwards. Tuning directly into the centre of the terrible feelings, rather than trying to push them away, and asking myself: who’s really feeling them? Who’s in there who needs to be heard? Who’s running the show right now?

I find this easiest to do as a meditation. I find a comfortable spot and close my eyes, then I tune into the anguish, and ask who’s feeling it. This morning, it was late-20s Rachel (I do think the ‘inner child’ term can be misleading, because we collect wounds from all phases of our lives, not just as children). And let me tell you, late-20s Rachel was absolutely screaming. She felt so unseen and trapped, trying to be everything to everyone and getting absolutely nothing that she needed for herself. She’d steered herself into emotional wasteland, and she couldn’t see a way out. I’m actually not 100% sure what it was in my current reality that had triggered late-20s Rachel. A few comments had filtered in over the week that had rankled me a little, but that’s usually nothing for present-day Rachel to handle. Maybe the vaguely trapped psychological undertone of an ongoing lockdown had been affecting me more than I realised. But that’s not the point. You don’t need to know what’s causing an emotional tantrum in order to sooth it. What your inner self wants at this point is simply to be heard. Tune in, find the you who’s in pain, and let that you scream. Hold the space for the you who’s hurting to scream and rant as loud and long as they like. Hear everything they have to say. When the heat goes out of the tantrum, sooth and comfort them, just as you would an exhausted child. And then, when the air is clear enough, ask them exactly what it is that they need, and give it to them emotionally, as strongly as you can. Love them, comfort them, see them for all their beauty, and give them whatever they need. You can also ask your inner you if there’s anything they think present-day you needs to do differently. This morning, late-20s Rachel needed to be reminded of how incredible she is, and how strong she is, and how special she is just being her. That present-day Rachel has absolutely got her back, and together we’ve built a mother-effing amazing reality for ourselves. In short, we can absolutely do this.

In my experience, once I’ve seen, heard and validated the Rachel who’s hurting, she finds peace, and so do I. The vile clouds of nasty mood lift and thin and pass, and all my inner Rachels and I can get on with our day as the amazing team that we are.

And so my loves, if you find yourself struggling with overwhelming feelings that you can’t get a handle on, you might feel called to try a trip inwards to meet the you who’s hurting, and work it through together. Wishing you and all of your you's a beautiful weekend, from me and all of my me’s.

Love, all of the Rachels xxx